Tucked in the back of an old family Bible, I find the few typewritten notes that my father used at our marriage ceremony. As the officiant, he gave a short speech during which he presented us with this 1795 Scottish bible. Weighing in at 14 pounds and rebound by the same man who spoke at my Grandma’s funeral (she died at age 41 from complications of childbirth and I never met her), it has followed us from house to farmhouse to apartment to house. It’s an impressive volume but it’s my father’s pages inside that I want to get to.
The short speech he gave at our marriage is focused on forgiveness. On a day that staunchly celebrates romantic love, when “love one another” is a given, his words focused on the future of the relationship, those moments when romantic love makes way for the small arguments, the misunderstandings, the disagreements of real life when “love one another” will not carry you through. That’s when mutual dialogue and communication need to happen and when forgiving each other can make a difference. Then we can let those setbacks go and move forward in love.
With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’ve been thinking a lot about his words. And I feel they can be true for all relationships. Sometimes we can get so bogged down on the disagreements that we start to demonize the other person. It becomes an all out war with a wall of uncompromise or a chasm of difference between us. In such situations, I still try to see the other for the human they are, with the same needs and wants that I have, the same craving for love. Under the surface of negativity, I look for what we have in common rather than what divides us.
Jim and I will soon celebrate 45 years together. We have tried to follow my father’s advice on how to make love last. We’ve also followed the suggestions that my father-in-law, Charles, gave at our marriage: “Remember the nice little things in life that cost so little yet mean so much. Such as; (sic)Thank you, please, I’m sorry, I love you, May I help you, that was nice, etc”… As he said, “I believe a good marriage is not all that difficult to have, if a good marriage is what you want.”
The old family bible is tucked away again. But the words still ring true. As another day rolls around, maybe this is the most important thing. What I hope for can happen if I commit to it. That includes love in all of its gritty forms. And that’s something to celebrate!